In Buddhism and Stoicism there is a concept I've always resonated with: the "self-story".

It’s the story we tell ourselves about who we are, what we’ve done, and what has shaped us. Every success, heartbreak, joy, and fear becomes part of it. The chances we didn’t take, the choices we wish we had made, and the moments we still regret — all of it lives in this inner narrative, quietly guiding how we see ourselves and the world.

In Buddhism, as I understand it, the goal is to see through this story-- to recognize that the "self" we cling to is not a fixed thing at all. In this state of no-self, emotions can wash over us without pulling us under. We can feel them fully, understand their cause and accept them as they are -- not good or bad, simply part of being human.

Stoicism has a similar insight, though it leans more toward authorship. While we cannot choose everything that happens to us, we can actively choose how we interpret the events. In doing so we shape our story consciously. Living without this awareness allows emotions and circumstance to write the narrative; to live with intention reclaims our right as authors.

Modern science offers a complementary perspective. Signals from our nervous system pass through the brain stem to the amygdala--our emotional center-- before reaching the prefrontal cortex--the center of logic and reasoning. The amygdala also processes stimuli quicker than the prefrontal cortex. Without awareness, it is easy to become passengers in our own emotional tales. Mindfulness gives the space to pause, the room to respond rather than react.

So, indulge me for a moment while I outline the reason I started this site--the things I hope to explore (and move on from)--and share my story as I understand it today.

I won't take this time to sling mud, and I'll admit that most of the things she said during “the conversation” were true – I will simply say there was toxicity and problems on both sides of the relationship and we amplified those pieces in each other. Our childhood scars mirrored each other’s hauntingly well.

In the process of loving her, I had abandoned myself– or had done so long before. It was really only after she said it was over that I woke up from a trance to see reality as it was happening. Despite the pain, I am thankful my eyes were opened and I have the chance to rebuild myself.

I won't lie, every day carries some sort of pain. Seeing her makes it difficult for my heart to move on even if my head has already accepted it. Sometimes little interactions stab me -- but slowly they are hurting less and less.

The more I see the more I understand exactly how we went wrong, and I see things I allowed myself to be blind to about her. So, while my heart may take a while longer, in some strange way, co-habiting is making it easier to put in the work I need--not just for myself but for my children to grow free of generational curses.

I also had some helpful hints from previous couples counseling sessions (foreshadowing I know…) – I had abandonment issues. So I asked ChatGPT to give me a “work on yourself” plan with that in mind – oh and throw in substance abuse issues because I’ve fought that life-long battle too.

One of the things it suggested was that I start keeping an emotional journal. Just 2-3 entries (or however many) each morning of “Today I feel ___(emotion) because ___ (cause, not repeat of emotion)”. It really felt odd doing it each morning, but it also felt strangely therapeutic too. Like a lost spark lit up inside me.

It suggested I read a book that drastically changed the way I view the world, myself and my inner workings: “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents” . Perhaps the book won’t be as profound to all as it was to me – but it truly spoke to many of the things I was ignorant to.

inhale Hi, My name is Zach and I’m growing up from being an Adult Child – by the way I’m also working on my emotional maturity, so if I seem a little off, I am but working on it. And just so you’re aware my inner critic would make your’s scream for its mother. exhale .

In college I got compliments by English / Language instructors for inner voice and vivid use of language. I am also always been one to play on words (I’m very punny).

At some point in my life I decided to stuff “writing” into “computer programming” in the thought that it was more lucrative as a career. Maybe that inner critic is still right, and I shouldn’t write– but I’m done listening.That is why I’m going to write. Maybe it’ll go nowhere, but it gives me a healthy channel for my emotions–and that’s enough.

I began to spiral. I saw myself as the bitter, angry asshole that never moves on in his life. The one that no one hears from again, that can’t ever get a break, his life destroyed by the end of a marriage–his kids don’t want anything to do with him.

Then my youngest opened his eyes and gave me the brightest, biggest toothy grin – unphased by the tears in my eyes.

It was enough to ground me, to pull me out of the story I was writing for myself. I asked myself, “If that’s one way the story ends, what are the other ways it could end?”. That’s when I took the pen back for myself.

It’s easy to run, to be angry, to be bitter – and that’s the path I had taken so far. It cost me “everything” to that point. I can’t do the same thing and expect different results.

No more. I’m not taking the easy way. I’m leveling the fuck up. I’m not saying that to boast, I’m sharing it as a personal mantra. I wont’ be that bitter asshole exactly where she left him. I’ll be something different, I will have that other ending.

If any of this connects with your story, I hope you get your toothy grin – you are worth it too.